We arrived at Miroche around midday. I slept the entire ride from Keihaki to Silkeholt. When we arrived, the security detail greeted us and swapped info with Lance. Ace pushed past one of his coworkers and came up to me. He had on his fancy security uniform, but it was creased and messy, like he’d been too busy to care.

“Smokey, where the heck have you been?!” Ace’s face looked truly panicked. It was a face I knew all too well when he came to my aide in middle school. I kept my face still and clenched my teeth in a nervous grimace. Before I got to answer, Lance came up beside me.

“Smokey’s in trouble. Found him at the Phantom Chase. Out racing in Keihaki like I told you.” Ace’s eyes widened a bit in response. “Ace, see him to his room. When I’m done in my office, I’ll come get him. And don’t let him run off again. I mean that.” Lance walked off in a huff.

Lance arrived at my dorm while I sat on my bed and sorted through one of my storage boxes to take my mind off my impulsive thoughts. He stood in the doorway, and Ace was in the hallway outside.

“I don’t know if you are trying to get suspended, arrested, or killed—but whatever it is you’re trying to do, you’re doing one hell of a job at it.” I flinched as Lance’s harsh raspy voice cut the air suddenly. I backed up, hitting a box behind me before turning to the side so I didn’t have to face him hood on. Lance was glaring at me again. I only felt humiliated because Ace was parked a few feet away from the door, trying not to look, but standing by to watch me on Lance’s orders.

My voice wavered. “I-I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking…”

“Dammit, you goddamn idiot… Do you realize how much trouble you could have gotten in? The police were called here! Multiple times. What the hell were you thinking?” Is that what you think of me? Just an idiot?

“I had it under control.” My usual instinct to defend myself left me and I didn’t know what else to say. My head was pounding with a headache now and it was hard to breathe, even though the air here was as crisp as ever.

“You had nothing under control. I thought I was going to see your name on a missing persons poster, or worse. And you’re pretending like it’s all no big deal! Do you realize how close you just came to throwing everything away if the media had caught wind of this?” I aimed my gaze at the box in front of me and was too nervous to move. “The media would’ve labeled you as just another reckless wannabe race car driver that was let on the track too early. They’d never let you forget that you’re just a desperate kid with no future in racing and a rap sheet to match. That would’ve followed you for the rest of your life. Not to mention how that looks for the rest of Miroche.” Just a failure like all the rest, right?

I hung my head. “I didn’t ask you to come find me. It could’ve just been my problem.”

“You didn’t ask, that’s the problem. Running away again so that I’m left to lean up your mess. I swear, this is the last chance I’m giving you, Smokey. If you so much as slip up one more fuckin’ time—” My head was throbbing badly behind my eyes, and I only looked at Lance’s shoes as I avoided his gaze. He’s just like all the rest of them.

Lance rubbed the side of his jaw and sighed irritably. “You’re the most insufferable rookie I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.” I could feel a pressure well up behind my eyes and I held my breath. I had grown used to this song and dance. “You don’t have an ounce of respect in your entire body.” I felt something in me snap, my anger suddenly boiling over. I whipped around to face Lance, facing bumper to bumper with him.

“I said I was sorry! Okay?” Tears rolled off my cheeks. “I already told you I was sorry. I-I’m sorry I’ve been a piece of shit. I’m sorry that I was jealous of a retired race car driver that can still drive better than me. Okay? I’m fucking sorry—” Lance’s hard glare lifted a bit, but his gaze was still ever so scrutinizing. He opened his mouth to speak, but I still had words rolling off my tongue. “—I’m just so tired of pretending that I have my shit together. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. That nothing in my past affects me and that I am strong enough to brush it off like everyone else.”

Lance let out a quiet sigh. “Look, I don’t care about the street race anymore. This isn’t just about me, is it?” His voice was softer now. “Tell me then, why has something as simple as my critique got you acting like it’s the end of the world?” I sighed, not sure where I should start, or if I should really even tell him all of this in the first place.

“I worked… So, so damn hard. I busted my ass to get into the race academy. I was trying to hold it together, even after both of my parents were gone and I had no one left to impress.” I clenched a fist around a chunk of the blankets on my bed and tried to hold back tears, failing already as tears began to make trails down my face. “I did my best. I kept showing up to practice even after I graduated because no one offered me a contract. I needed to drive. I just kept waiting for my chance to come.” My face was screwed up in emotion, and my eyes felt puffy. I stood up and slowly walked over to Lance. For the first time I looked him dead in the eyes, and I held his gaze. “Everyone always said I wasn’t cut out for this. All I was ever born to do was drive fast, and I wasn’t even good at it. At least you had your time in the spotlight with people who were rooting for you and cheering when you crossed the finish line. I don’t.” I reached out for the door, and I could see Lance step back before I slammed the door shut. I just wanted to be alone and never get into another race car ever again.

↠✧↞

“Smokey?” A gentle and low voice called out from the other side of my door. After slamming the door on Ace and Lance, I had sat on the ground facing the tall windows with my back propped up against the side of my bed.

“Smokey? You still in there?” His voice called out to me gently.

“Go away, Ace.” I slouched farther down the side of the bed.

“I won’t say much. Lance just—”

“Oh he can fuck right off. You heard Lance, I’m just a stupid fucking idiot to him.” It was silent for a bit. I heard a quiet click and could hear my door fling open. How’d he—?

“Doors can’t stop me, I can pick locks. Lance wants to talk.” Ace’s footsteps grew closer before pausing beside me. I could see his shadow fall towards me, but I kept my gaze on the scenery outside.

“If I see him, I’m going to fucking loose it. And I don’t want him to have that satisfaction.” I gritted my teeth.

“I think you’re going to want to hear what he has to say.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think I will.”

Ace furrowed his brows in frustration and sighed. “I’ll let him know you haven’t cooled off yet then. He’s at his garage on the track if you change your mind.” Ace walked away, his footsteps growing quiet. I had shown Ace the same undeserved outrage I had shown most of the people in my life and squinted my eyes hard as I tried not to cry again. An emotional weight came down on my chest and all I felt now was exhaustion. But I was restless and I couldn’t settle down as my mind raced with thoughts that only brought back the anger, irritation, pain, and regret. I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, letting the water run down my neck. Once I had my keys and wallet accounted for, I stalked out of my dorm trying to breathe slowly, the tightness in my chest twisting itself into a sharp sting.

I slipped out of the dorms and weaved between the office buildings and medical complex. I approached the maintenance buildings, onto a path I had never seen. The path behind a storage shed led over to a stretch of open ground—a mostly forgotten looking patch of land between the facility and the far property fencing, half gravel, half wild grass. It wasn’t part of the common grounds where drivers and staff could be seen mingling. Most people probably didn’t even know it was here.

I had spent so long in my room that the sun was already dipping behind the horizon, leaving everything tinted in a cool hue. Crickets had started chirping. The whole place felt like it didn't belong to the racing world, a quiet pocket untouched by tire treads, footsteps, shouting, or pressure. I dropped myself into the grass with a heavy breath, sitting with my knees up and my arms wrapped around them. My chest still ached, even this long after the argument with Lance. ‘Dammit, you goddamn idiot.’ I told myself it was the walk, that I’d walked too fast, that the evening chill was aggravating my lungs or something. That I hadn’t cooled off and was still upset. Maybe I just needed to scream or something. But I knew better than that.

‘Just another reckless wannabe race car driver that was let on the track too early.’ The throb in my head, the tightness in my chest, the way my limbs felt heavier every second. I knew the signs. I leaned back on my palms and looked up at the sky, hoping the air would help. It didn’t. ‘You’re just a desperate kid with no future in racing and a rap sheet to match.’ The stillness around me only made the aching in my body louder. My nerves felt like they were buzzing, each of my joints feeling like hot electricity shooting through them. ‘You’re the most insufferable rookie I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.’ My fingers twitched under my weight. I could feel my heart knocking hard on the inside of my ribs. I tried to slow my breathing, taking slow and controlled breaths, but it kept getting stuck in my throat and making me gasp for air.

And then everything slipped. The trees tilted, and the grass swept across my vision. I reached for something to steady myself, but there was only open air around me and tall blades of grass. I sank sideways, the ground meeting my shoulder hard before everything went blurry at first, then dark. It was like slipping into a slow, peaceful sleep as my body finally went quiet and the pain drained out of my joints.

↠✧↞

I woke up slowly, like having to drag myself up from the bottom of a lake with waterlogged clothes and a million extra pounds on me. My eyelids were heavy, and I couldn’t see anything yet. The light behind my eyelids felt bright and cold.

“...his blood pressure tanked, and his heart rate was spiking dangerously.” What… What happened? One of the voices was Dr. Venn’s. I was sure of it by the sound of her voice. Her tone was calm but serious. “I consulted with a couple of my nurses, and we think a neurological flare-up was triggered by stress. Could’ve been physical exertion and stress on his heart, or possibly emotional stress. Perhaps both.” There was a pause, and I could hear a chair creaking nearby. I couldn’t see, but I could feel someone sitting beside me.

“Why…?” The gravelly voice spoke up, “...I mean, lots of people get stressed out.”

“It looked like a severe panic response… Overexerted himself, and his systems just… Shut down for a bit.” The proximity of Dr. Venn’s voice told me she was the one sitting next to me. “His body didn’t know what to do anymore and gave up.” There was silence from the other party, and the doctor continued. “...Isn’t the first case I’ve seen like this… Just the youngest. Though, not surprising given his medical history… Charts list a few neurological disorders. He has autonomic dysfunction, issues with his neurological system, which can also cause flare-ups with his autoimmune disorder. All of that can cause an episode like this.”

“Tch, it’s a wonder he passed the physical exams to get into academy, much less the professional leagues.” I could feel the weight of my body easing, my arms feeling less heavy but a sharp pain settling in.

“Yes, but because he has his symptoms managed, er had them managed, he was cleared to drive for us.” There was a long pause. I could hear someone flipping through a stack of papers. “He’s lucky Ace found him when he did.” Of course it was Ace, he doesn’t know what personal space is. I shifted slightly, and I could feel paper crinkle under me. I was suddenly aware of my body, first how cold my feet were, then how sweaty the rest of me felt. My throat was dry and my fingers felt stiff.

The gravelly voice across the room asked “...He awake now?” Lance. It was Lance the whole time. I finally forced my eyes open, just a bit, blinking repeatedly against the stark white light. I tried to sit up, an instinctive habit after learning to wake up and get to school or work even through the tight grip of exhaustion.

“Easy,” the blurry silhouette of Dr. Venn approached, “You’re okay. Just lay back for now. Sleep it off.” I relaxed, letting my head rest against a cushion.

I blinked again, my eyes halfway open now, but my vision blurry and unable to focus no matter how hard I tried to stare at one spot. My chest felt tight, but I could breathe. Sort of. I had a cannula across my face pushing chilly fresh air into my nose. I didn’t feel tired anymore, but my body had a dull ache all over. I never took my meds last night or this morning, did I? Dr. Venn shifted in her seat, and I squinted at her as I tried to focus on his face, to no avail.

The doctor cleared her throat. “Well, I have some reports to file,” She stood up from the chair, “I’ll get a nurse in here to check on him and make sure he’s doing okay, and I’ll be back to see him before you leave. He should be okay to go to his room today.” The doctor walked out of the room and the door swung shut behind her, leaving me in this office with Lance.

“Hey, you’re back on earth.” I looked over at the distorted tall figure.
“Mm, what the hell do you want?” My head throbbed as I spoke, making me wince away from the pain.

“Glad you didn’t lose your spark.” Lance spoke quietly, his voice gentle and almost… Relieved? He walked forward and pulled the chair towards him, sitting to face me. I lifted my head to see better, my vision clearing just enough to make out his face a bit.

“Ffff… I told Ace I d-didn’t—” I furrowed my brows and squinted as a wave of pain hit me square in the head, right behind my eyes.

“I know it’s not the best time for this, but… As your crew chief and a member of the Miroche Autosport Racing Division, I apologize for my unsportsman-like behavior.” Lance’s head tilted down a bit. The words he spoke sounded rehearsed, but his tone was strained.

I huffed out a weak laugh. “We’re even.”

“Hmm?” He looked back up towards me, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“I yelled at you. You yelled at me. We’re even now.” I blinked my eyes a few times, the blurriness finally gone, and Lance was looking at me with tired, heavy eyes.

“Right. Uh, after a talk with my superiors, I have been given a week suspension from my duties. They’ll talk to you too, I’m sure.” He sighed. “If I never see you again, I want to formally apologize for my behavior.” Lance stood up to leave. “I’ll go find that nurse…”

“Wait.” He paused before going anywhere. “Who’s going to be my crew chief?”

“They’ll find ya’ someone else, I’m sure. I won't stop sending them emails.” He started off for the door, but before he could leave down the hallway, I caught his attention again.

“Lance.” He stopped again, pausing there facing away from me in the driveway. “I…” ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it. “I apologize for my shit-ass behavior. You didn’t deserve that. You’ve just been trying to help me. And you cared about me enough to come looking for me at the Phantom Chase. And I threw that all away. I’m sorry. Really truly sorry.”

“It’s… It’s alright.” He faintly nodded and disappeared down the hallway.

A nurse walked in just as Lance left and began to look over my vitals. She had a tablet under one arm and a blood pressure cuff in her other hand.

“Well, look who’s awake.” She spoke with a small smile, pulling up a rolling chair to sit beside me on the exam bed. “Cold? Here, we have blankets for anyone waking up after anaesthesia. Common side effect.” She handed me a folded up faux-fur blanket. I spread it out over my legs and finally felt some relief. “Gave us all a good scare, you know. First Ace thought you had run off. Then he found you and thought you had died.” I didn’t say anything, I just watched her strap the cuff around my arm. “Put this on your finger for me, thanks.” I focused on the feeling as the cuff tightened and she held out her tablet and took some readings.

“Heart rate is finally nice and slow. That’s good. You’ve been out for a while, had to give you something to keep you under while your system leveled out.” I nodded faintly, clenching my jaw just to feel something move. My body felt hollow and empty, like someone had taken a melon-baller and scooped out any emotion and feeling left in me. “You really need to take it easy for a bit, alright? You can’t keep pushing yourself until this happens.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, “I know.” I hung my head a bit looking down at my legs, which were still freezing cold.

“You scared people,” her voice was soft, not accusing, “A lot of people thought you weren’t going to wake up.” I stared down at the blanket covering my lap. My fingers curled into the fabric.

“I… I didn’t mean to. I just… I just wanted to go outside. That always makes me feel better. I didn’t realize I forgot two doses of my meds.” The cuff deflated with a hiss, and she slowly peeled it off my arm.

“It’s okay, it happens. But next time you feel like that, just remember there are people here who care about you. I know you don’t think so, Lance told me. But there are so many people here who care about you.” I swallowed hard, the tightness in my chest still weighing on me.

The nurse walked across the room and pulled out a foldable wheelchair, pushing it up to the side of the exam bed. “Come on, Let’s get you back to your room. You need real rest. Not the drugged kind.” She helped me stand, my legs buckling under my weight even when I felt the same as I always did. “You feel good now. That would be the drugs making you feel good, but you’ll realize how tired you are in a bit.” She got me seated and wheeled me out to the waiting room. Ace was there waiting, and he gave a slight smile when he saw me. The nurse spoke to him in a hushed voice, and Ace nodded before the nurse left with a small wave and a smile. “Glad you’re okay, Smokey.” Ace smiled, but his brows were knitted in worry. He was never good at hiding his true feelings.

↠✧↞

Recovery was tedious. Despite my protests at my daily doctor visit that I felt fine once my meds kicked back in, I was put on an easy training regime. It started slow, like painfully slow. I spent most mornings on a yoga mat in the east side of the training warehouse, breathing through guided stretches while soft music played through the building. The instructor, Cassandra, was always there before I arrived. Always bright eyed and encouraging. She usually worked with the academy kids, young drivers-in-training with more energy than she knew what to do with. But she took me on without complaint, fitting me into her group sessions like I belonged there. I felt like I was back in academy. Well, for all intents and purposes, I was, seeing as I was working with the academy drivers and doing academy level workouts.

We did balance drills, deep stretching, light resistance work, things that made my muscles burn in ways I hadn’t felt in a while. I was irritated at first, but I realized I probably needed this if I wanted to get anywhere in this career anyway. Eventually, she put me in different groups, starting with some swimming for light endurance training that was easy on my body, then some stationary bike routines. Cassandra always came to stand near me once she was done checking on everyone else, teaching me to pay attention to my body in ways I never had.

Some of those days where better than others, and today was one of those others. One afternoon, halfway through light cardio on the treadmills, my chest tightened and I couldn’t inhale a full breath. I did as I was told by the doctor, eased off the treadmill and walked around the training warehouse to slowly lower my heart rate. Cassandra looked over at me as I walked, and I gave her a thumbs up despite how I was feeling. The pressure remained, wrapping itself around my lungs slowly like a fist, only getting worse the more I walked. Even though I was hot and sweaty from the exercise, I felt a cold chill engulf my body and I felt fear claw its way into my mind. I didn’t wait for this attack to pass, and headed straight to the clinic after grabbing my water from the treadmill I had been using and weakly telling Cassandra where I’d be.

Dr. Venn was calm, seeming relieved to see me taking the initiative to come in on my own instead of nearly dropping dead somewhere. I was brought to a small exam room and they pulled out a nebulizer, placing the mask carefully over my face. The cool mist filled my lungs in long, slow pulls with each breath I took. I sat quietly as I watched the clock on my phone tick by the minutes, listening to the soft mechanical hum. For the first time in weeks, my mind wasn’t racing. The hundreds of trains of thoughts all quieted and I could think. No knot in my chest, no static behind my eyes. Once I was done with the treatment, I left the clinic feeling clear minded. Not perfect, not fixed by any means, but I could think on my own again.

I found myself taking the elevator up to the offices in the main building. I looked around for the headmaster’s office and found it at the north end. His office was much like Lance’s, with a glass wall and doors. He waved me into the office once he looked up, and I came in and sat down on the cushioned leather seats.

“Smokey, is it? How can I help you?” The headmaster was a tall and formally dressed man by the name of Winston Chamberlain. He always wore an all black two piece suit.

“Er, what’s going to happen to Lance? He told me he was getting written up or something.” I shifted in my spot before forcing myself to settle by sitting on my hands.

“Lance, hmm?” He flipped through the papers sitting on his desk and picked one up to read it. “Well, currently he’s suspended until the board of directors and the superintendent makes a decision on what to do with the two of you regarding both of your behavior.” I pressed my lips together as I thought quickly.

“Sir—with all due respect, if it’s appropriate to ask… Er, I-it’s just… Do I have any say about Lance? I wanted to… Can I make a statement about him?” I struggled to express what I wanted to say in a professional manner. At least it was a better attempt than just blurting out something like, ‘Please don’t ruin Mr. Callahan’s life. It wasn’t really his fault’. Chamberlain flicked his eyes up to me before looking back down at the paper.

“Well, it’ll be up to the superintendent ultimately, but I’m sure she will be open to your input. What do you have to say about him?” The headmaster leaned back in his suede leather chair, his head tilting slightly to one side as he looked at me.

“Please don’t… Don’t fire him. Just… Please let Lance stay with Miroche, if possible.” I hated that it sounded like I was begging, but I wanted him to know how badly I didn’t want my mistake to ruin Lance’s life. “What happened between us, it was… A misunderstanding. Or—no, not just that—we were both at fault.” I shifted uncomfortably in the chair, looking off to the side of the room as I tried to pull together a coherent thought. “I mean, he admitted that. And I know I was at fault, I messed up too. But Lance is… He’s a good crew chief… I realize that now.

“He deserves another shot at his job. We’ll both be better. I mean, I know I will at least try to be better. I’m sure Lance would too if he’s given another chance. I-I made a mistake. It's my fault, I provoked him. He was just… He just defended himself. I realize now what I did was wrong, and I don’t think he should be punished for something that I started.” I broke my gaze away from Chamberlain and looked at my hands laying in my lap. If I could have sat any lower in the chair to hide myself, I would have.

Chamberlain cleared his throat. “I’ll let the superintendent know what you think. I’m sure they’ll be very glad to hear that you are putting in effort to better yourself too.” Chamberlain smiled warmly after I thanked him profusely and I dismissed myself from his office.

The following day after my nebulizer treatment and the talk with the headmaster, I took training a bit better, and I was able to tolerate Cassandra’s enthusiastic attitude and extended breathing exercises long enough to get through the lesson. I wasn’t quite as eager as I had been during my academy days, but I didn’t feel like I was drowning anymore. I made my way to leave the group of young drivers once I was done with my short regimen, not wanting to stick around for their immature banter, but Cassandra came over and stopped me.

“Heya Smokey! You’ve been doing so well since you started! Are you feeling better these days?”

“Er, yeah. Uh, thank you for letting me sit in on the academy training by the way. It’s been helping.” I gave her my best smile.

“Of course! I just wanted to come by and tell you that you have a message from Everly Bennett. She wants to meet with you in her office.” The one and only Everly Bennett? The superintendent?!

My eyes widened. “Oh, uh, right! Thank you!” I turned on my heel without a word, quickly gathering my cover-up shirt, towel and water bottle. I cut across the training warehouse quickly, heading straight for the superintendent’s office once I had wiped the sweat off and changed my shirt to look more presentable.

I caught my breath quickly before I cleared my throat and knocked on the frosted glass door of a smaller sized office tucked away at the end of the rows and rows of offices and lounge rooms on the upper floor of the main building.

“Come on in!” I pushed the door open and found a sharply dressed older woman behind a desk with Lance sat across from her, his face out of view. “Please, make yourself comfortable.” I sat in the chair beside Lance, both of us ignoring the other. Well I assumed he was ignoring me because I didn’t catch any movement beside me.

Bennett cleared her throat and picked up a short stack of papers. “I heard you had a few things that you wanted to say about Lance, hmm?” I nodded politely in confirmation. I didn’t catch any sort of recognition from Lance, who was only busy staring down at the watch on his wrist. Bennett glanced down at her paperwork before looking back at us. “Well then, Lance, I think that settles the decision for us.” Bennett turned to look at me. “The board of directors and I all had a hard time deciding what to do with Lance since this was only a first time infraction of policy. As it was for you, Mercer. Though it was quite severe, as it was stemming from reportedly two incidents.”

Bennett sifted through a couple sheets of the paper before setting them down. “But since you asked so kindly, Mr. Mercer—” Bennett looked over at Lance with a warm smile, “Lance will be reinstated as of tomorrow. You can take your position back as a trainer and crew chief with Miroche, although you will be monitored for a few weeks. We’ll have the security detail watch you two more closely for a bit to monitor your behavior. Should you two get in another spat, we will bring this back here to my office and talk.” Lance straightened up a bit in his seat, and he nodded solemnly. “Mercer, should you feel a change in crew chief is necessary, we’re willing to discuss that.” I glanced quickly between her and Lance. He crossed his arms and sat stiffly, his gaze on his watch again. There was a brief pause, just long enough for the weight of my words to catch up with me.

I muttered, “I’m not asking for a new crew chief or anything…” I glanced over at Lance and he sat up a bit in his chair. I felt anxiety tickle the back of my throat. “I’ve had way worse. We haven’t killed each other yet, that’s gotta be worth something. At least he actually lets me touch the cars here.” Lance didn’t say anything, as he hadn’t the whole time I was here, but I caught a glimpse of the way his eyebrows twitched—just barely—and how he shifted in his seat. Like he didn’t expect my answer. He looked down quickly, trying to hide it, nodding to himself.